Rochester Honkers Slider Tests Positive for HGH

Rochester, Minn - To the surprise of many Rochester fans the Northwoods League front office is suspending Honkers mascot Slider for the first half of the 2012 season following a positive test for HGH.

"This test result comes as a big shock to us in the Honkers organization", said Honker General Manager Dan Litzinger. "I really can't comment any further until I sit down and talk with Slider personally."

"This is the first time anyone has suspended a mascot to my knowledge", said Northwoods League owner Dick Radatz Jr.  "But we want our fans to know we run a clean league, free from performance enhancing drugs from top to bottom, and that includes our mascots.


One person who was not surprised by the positive test was Nick Riviera, a Mayo Clinic doctor and long time Honker fan.

"I got suspious when I started seeing all the telltale signs of HGH use", said Riviera. "The large head size, the increased acne, which I actually initially thought were frayed stitches in his head until i saw him covering it up with whiteout before a game."

The Mankato MoonDogs Muttnik, a fellow Northwoods League mascot chimmed in on the news.

"This news is pretty RUFF", said Muttnik. "If you told me last week that Slider was using HGH, I would have said you were barking up the wrong tree, but now I don't know. His head has gotten more appealing to chase over the last couple of years. I've got a lot to circle around three times, lay down and think about."

Phone calls to the home of Slider were not returned as of the time of this printing.

WTFoto

With the low interest rates and cheaper home prices Carolyn and I have been toying with the idea of "upgrading" to give us more house for less money. I've been looking at houses online and have been amazed by the photos we've seen as I take a small peak into the lives of the current owner.


I decided to post a few photos from what I've seen. These are all currently for sale in Mankato.

 King of his castle needs an elevated throan to gaze over his kingdom.

 Just thought it was funny there was an office chair in their kitchen. Why the realtor didn't move it for a photo I'll never know. 

 Enough room for a beer pong table.  Notable selling feature.

 News paper spread on the ground reminds me of the movie Big Daddy.  Just wondering who peed.

 As seen on hoarders.

I've always wanted to hold hands with my wife as we both take a deuce.

President Perry would not pardon turkey

Austin, Texas - Texas Governor and presidential hopeful Rick Perry made a statement today that under his administration he would not pardon a Thanksgiving turkey, a tradition among presidents dating back to George H.W. Bush in 1989.

"I'm from Texas" said Perry.  "We don't pardon, we execute. Heck we've executed mentally handicapped people in Texas. Why would I stop at a turkey? I'm not going to play the role of big government and interfere."

Animal rights groups did not react well to Perry's announcement.

"Its barbaric" said PETA spokeswoman Jessica Martin.  "Execute mentally handicapped people if you want but don't hurt innocent turkeys."

Perry's odd statement comes in the wake of dipping poll numbers and abysmal debate performances and may have been an attempt to separate himself from the rest of the GOP pack.

Nation's airports packed with reporters

Los Angels, Calif - On the busiest travel reporting day of the year the United States airports are expected to be jam-packed with reporters, camera men and photographers. The sharp influx in airport reporting can cause frustration and delays.

"At some of the busiest airports like LAX, we expect to see reporters arriving and departing every thirty seconds" said Peter Gibbons, President of Media Traffic Controllers Association. "Bad weather can really mess things up. Delays and cancellations only increase the number of reporters clogging our concourse, sticking around for hours longer than if the weather were clear."

The frustration is also experienced among the travelers.

"I am appalled" said traveler Marquez Hernandez. Things would be running a lot more smoothly if reporters like yourself stayed home and stayed out of the way. I would estimate 40% of the people at the airport are reporters, not travelers."

Not everyone was upset with the arrival of the reporters. Rahish Ahman, the owner of a convenience store at the airport awaits this day every year.

"This is our Black Friday" said Ahman. "The reporters need hair spray, cell phone chargers, and a lot of other over-priced stuff we sell here because they never plan on staying as long as they do."

The reporters themselves also have to make sacrifices.

"Sure I would rather be at home getting drunk and arguing with my family like the rest of America" said CNN correspondent Jason White. "But this is the career choice and the sacrifice I have made even though my parents have always disapproved and make it clear that I am their least favorite child at every family get-together."

Eiffel Tower Damaged during photo op

Paris, France - French officials are scrambling tonight to assess the damage to its beloved Eiffel Tower following a accident during a tourist photo shoot late this afternoon. According to officials a British tourist was holding the tower between her thumb and pointer finger when she sneezed, crushing the monument.

"We started to allow tourists to hold the Eiffel Tower back in the mid 80's to draw more visitors," said Eiffel Tower spokesman Jacques Mannequin. "This is the first major issue we have seen, but may have to stop allowing tourists handle the monument."

An engineering team has been flown in from Nice to assess the damage and there is no timeline as to when repairs might begin.

Irony of posting how much they don't care about Kim Kardashian lost on millions

Minneapolis, Minn- "How is this woman famous? What has she ever done?" ranted Steve Phillips, one of millions who recently commented on a the news article about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce that they linked to on facebook.

"The general public is stupid" said Winston Fillmore chairman of the Institute on Facebook studies. "They don't understand that posting a link about how much they don't care about something is illogical on two levels. First off, by mentioning the story and posting a link to further information, they are becoming the source of the unwarranted fame they are ranting against," Fillmore explained. "Second, they are narcissistic enough to assume that other people give a damn about what they don't give a damn about."

This isn't the first time we've seen a trend like this," said Jennifer Tuppin, the director for Citizens for Responsible Status Updates. "We saw a similar trend when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were given their own reality show. They key is to resist mentioning it, pretend its not there, and it will go away", advised Tuppin. "Basically we all just need to act as if we're Midwestern."

Halloween Preys on childrens fear of excercise

Chicago, Ill. - Blood-curdling screams can be heard emanating from families homes tonight as parents inform their children that they will have to actually walk from door to door to get their candy.

"It's just not fair!" screamed rotund Suzy Johnson. "It hurts when my thighs scrape together!"

We caught up with a child who just started trick-or-treating two blocks from his house.

"Why can't I just post trick or treat on peoples facebook wall and get candy from my parents?" inquired the winded and portly Jake Drey. "My mom should at least drive me from house to house."

A recent survey of elementary aged school children revealed that regular exercise has overtaken the boogie man as the thing they are most afraid of with portion control coming in a strong third place.

Poll: Weekends not long enough

Los Angeles, Calif - In a Monday morning poll of Facebook users it was found that there is an overwhelming consensus that the previous weekend was not long enough. The poll showed that 99.3% enjoyed the weekend, but wish it wasn't over. A follow-up analysis also showed that many users returned to work on Monday confused, unaware of what day it was, indicated by many asking if "it was Friday yet."

"The weekend is the same length it has always been" said Preston Arky from the US Naval Time Observatory. "We have done extensive studies and have found whether you're having fun or not, time goes the same speed."

"I'm glad to be back at work" said Chet Petersen, one of the small percentage that thought the weekend was the right length. "I had enough fun and relaxation, time to put my nose to the grind stone." A follow up poll among his co-workers indicates that no one likes Chet.

New social media site aims to eclipse facebook.

Sans Pollo, Calif- Nasim Kadash, an IT project manager at a Silicon Valley software company is aiming to take down the social media giant Facebook by luring away their largest growing demographic, young parents.

"I was surfing facebook a few months ago and saw my news stream filled with baby belly photos from mothers, pictures of infants, toddlers, and sonograms", said Kadash. "I thought to myself, how do I make this go away? That's how I came up with sonogrambook."

Sonogram book is a social media website specifically designed for annoying parents to spam photos of their pregnancies, infants, toddlers and status updates about how smart their kid is for their age.

"The site did have a few problems in its infancy but now its the best site in the whole wide world, yes it is. Who's the best site? Who's the best site? You are! You are!", said Kadash. "Dammit now I'm doing it!"

The early problems Kadash referred to came shortly after the site launch when its first user Julie Gustafson uploaded a Terabyte of photos of her child's first poop.

"We realized then that we need to triple our servers to handle the wave of self-absorbed garbage we were going to experience" said Kadash. "I knew we would be popular, I just didn't imagine how quickly we would expand."

Sonogrambook now as over 300 million users worldwide since launching in August and expects to hit 500 million users by Christmas.

"I am even starting to see a slowdown of postings from parents on facebook", said Kadash. "This is a dream come true."

Gambling scandal uncovered

Las Vegas, Nev - The gambling community is reeling this morning after news came out yesterday revealing a far-reaching scandal involving players tanking games on purpose. The undercover investigation focused on parents tanking on purpose when playing against their children.

"When given the choice between putting my money on a 6'2" 34 year old dad or his 3'1" four-year-old daughter in a game of one-on-one the money should go on the dad", said sport book maker Sal Garpo. "But in 95% of the games we're seeing the little girl win. And the 5% of the time the dad wins is almost always due to the child falling, crying, and wanting to stop playing, losing the game by forfeit."

The President of the National Council on Problem Gaming Peter West explained the scandal reaches beyond just sports betting, involving card and board games as well.

"We have parents with 20/20 vision and good hearing not being able to detect a giggling child moving behind a curtain in a simple game of hide-and-seek", said West. "You know these parents must be on the take."

The Nevada Gaming Commission has placed all parent-child betting on hold until investigators can find the scope of the corruption.

Area man breaks consecutive win record

Mankato, Minn - Bill Coughlan has always dreamed of being a basketball superstar, and on Thursday afternoon his dreams came true as Bill beat his six-year-old son Aiden at one-on-one for the 1,524th consecutive time.

"Some dads let their kid win to help boost their confidence. But me? I'm all about he "W" baby!", explained Coughlan after Thursdays 21-0 victory. "Its like I told my son, this is real life bitch, suck it up. That's why we've been playing on a ten foot rim when the streak started shortly after Aiden turned two."

Coughlan's 1,524 consecutive victories eclipses former one-on-one great Sid Jefferson. As we all know, Jefferson's streak ended per-maturely when child protective services took his son Anthony away after Sid threw an intentional elbow to five-year-old Anthony's head while boxing out for a rebound.

Coughlan, an all-around athlete, is no stranger to greatness. Bill also holds several other father-son records including records in football for rushing yards, touchdowns, and tackles for loss. A hard-throwing southpaw, Bill also holds the record for strikeouts against his son.

"I scored a basket once, but my dad said it was traveling and took the basket way" said first grader Aiden Coughlan in a press conference held after Thursdays loss. "Can I go play with my friends now?"

With at least five more years until Aiden hits puberty, Bill has a great opportunity to extend his streak and make it almost untouchable for future psychologically-damaging fathers.

FBI: Old person smell Identifed

Washington D.C. - The distinct smell of old people has puzzled the general public for years, but today the FBI anti-drug task force announced that they have identified the smell as resin from a highly potent form of marijuana.

"It turns out the smell we have all come to call 'old person smell' is the result of every senior citizen smoking marijuana, and a highly potent form of it as well" , said FBI Deputy Commander Russ Johnson. "We have linked the drug ring to the AARP which has been distributing the marijuana for years, issuing cards to help identify legitimate users and avoid detection."

"It makes a lot of sense now when you look at seniors driving habits, the slow driving, the swerving, the slow reaction times, all of these signs have previously been attributed to ageing, but now can be attributed to the fact that all seniors are constantly baked out of their minds" said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Holder went on to reveal another breakthrough. "We are now investigating another drug link involving the narcotic ecstasy and hard candies that are common place within senior citizen's homes."

According to Ethel Mathison, an informant that wished not to be identified, seniors often use slang to disguise their illicit drug use. According to Mathison, terms like "going to play bridge" or "playing bingo" often indicate the seniors plans to meet up and use the drug.

The widespread use has caught law enforcement off guard and unable to formulate a quick solution to the problem. This is especially true in heavily senior populated states like Florida where it is estimated that 78% of the state’s population is high at any given time.

“We’re probably all going to sit down as a nation with our parents and grandparents and have the drug talk” said Eric Holder.

Vikings listed #1 in recent Top 10 List.

New York - For many years there has been a debate among fans about what is the most difficult thing to do in sports. Last year the USA Today posted their top 10 list of the most difficult things to do in sports, with hitting a baseball topping the list.

In a updated list put out this morning, watching the Minnesota Vikings in the second half usurped hitting a baseball as the most difficult thing to do in sports.

"Their second half meltdowns have been brutal to watch," said USA Today's chief editor Dave Berkowitz. "God help your if you're a Vikings fan".

"Our week three meltdown actually made my physically sick", said all pro wide receiver Percy Harvin who was spotted vomiting on the sidelines during the second half of the Vikings week three loss to the Lions after leading 20-0 at halftime.

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf commented this morning on the USA Today list. "We're doing our best to shy people away from a sellout this week to save our fans the hardship of watching another impotent second half performance" said Wilf. "We're all hoping for a television blackout this week."

Vikings Berrian out 2-3 weeks with Twitter thumb.

Eden Prairie, MN - Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian, better known to everyone as @B_Twice, was listed as inactive for this weekend's game against the Arizona Cardinals according the the Vikings injury report posted this morning. The listing comes as a surprise to many Vikings fans as most thought he had been inactive all season.

Berrian's injury is officially listed as "Twitter thumb", a increasingly common injury among NFL players trying to defend their lack of productivity on the field. Head coach Leslie Frazier in his weekly press conference add that the injury was not directly linked to the foot injury Berrian suffered on Sunday evening where Berrian inserted his entire foot into his mouth tweeting "Sit down and shut up" to John Kriesel, a state representative and a sponsor of the new Vikings stadium bill.

"I was just tweeting about what song I was listening to and where I was going for dinner when I heard a pop", said Berrian in this mornings press conference. "I knew it was bad, but i tried to tweet through it. I talked to Sug and he wrapped it for me but it was still really painful. I went in for a MRI and it revealed I had a strained flexor tendon."

The Vikings are sure to miss Berrian's presence as he accounts for almost 50% of the team's twitter productivity after taking on a larger roll when Bryant McKinnie was cut during training camp.

By Ben Nelson

Ben Nelson is chief correspondent at the Fake News Network.

If History was Business

Berlin, Germany - A new computer company has been quickly taking over the European computer market starting this past summer. Mien Comp, a fast growing electronics company based in Berlin has already gained access in the Italian and Japanese markets. Through a recent blitz of mergers and acquisitions, most notably Poland's largest electronics manufacture in Warsaw and France's Dido systems, Mien Comp has become the largest force in computing power in Europe.

"We saw a lot of resistance at first" said Joe Goebbels, Mien Comp's Director of Public Relations. "People really wanted to stick with their old systems, but once they saw how quick and powerful our product is, people quickly joined our camp."

Despite their success in western Europe, Mien Comp has been having issues penetrating the Eastern European markets.

"Efforts to penetrate Russia's market started off strong but now are stallin' " said Goebbels. "We didn't expect such a cold reception or major technical issues when we launched our second line of computer systems. We've sent out our Engineering Systems Emergency Staff to Russia to deal with the firewall issues. We hope the ESES will quickly resolve the issue."

Mien Comp's president and founder was very excited by the progression of his company.

"My plans have worked out exactly how I dictated them" said the glowing leader. "There were a lot of inferior brands in the race for best computer in Europe. Mien Comp, pure and simply is the best brand out there. "

The founder also spoke of Mien Comp's early marketing blunders, such as hiring O.J. Simpson as their spokesperson in the mid 90's.

"The Juice caused all of our problems. We didn't know the Juice was a back-stabbing, un-trustworthy person that would ruin our company's pure image. I made the executive decision to remove the Juice."

Mien Comps quick invasion of the European markets have caught the eye of American and British companies who are sure to try to stop Mien Comp's march toward world domination in the computer industry.

"We didn't harbor bad feelings against Mien Comp until their Japanese subsidiary under-cut us back in December" said Unified Systems of America President Frank Roosevelt. "We plan on shipping our product to Japan as soon as possible and merging with Brittan's RAF industries to take back our share of the world market."

Mien Comp's CEO did not seem too scared by the threats from the now allied USA and RAF stating, "I've drawn a line, Kammhuber if you dare"

The World Wide Internet Innovation conference in Normandy this June is going to be all-out war as both sides reveal their best and newest product lines.

"On June 4th, they're going down" said Roosevelt. To which Mien Comp's CEO retorted, "Not going to happen, not in a thousand years".

Its official, you're sweating your ass off.

Belfast, Germany - The Universal Weights and Measurement Counsel in Belfast, Germany has announced that sweating ones ass off has officially become a temperature benchmark. Sweating my ass off, or SMAO, joins th ever popular colder than a witches titty.

Climatologist Jeffery Norbin spoke of the decision in this afternoons press conference.

"After being presented with all of the facts, we decided that sweating my ass off was the most logical decision," said Norbin. "We had also considered sweating my balls off, but we've determined the temperature in ones ass is actually slightly higher, and therefore deserves the benchmark."

Brooklyn native Tony Piscconi traveled all the way to Germany to protested the decision.

"I don't care if its PC or whatever. I'm still sweatin' my bawls off," said Piscconi. "My father sweat his bawls off, and his father before him. I'm not gunna change."

The National Weather Service has not yet released a statement as to how today's announcement will affect their current advisory system.

Ben Nelson

Correspondent

Humor News Network.

Novelty shop sues fashion designers.

Edwin Jacobson of Jacobson's Joke and Novelty filed papers today in Civil Court, suing Gucci, Versace and a list of other fashion sunglasses designers over patent infringement.

Jacobson claims that he created and patented the first pair of over-sized novelty sunglasses in the 1970's for Elton John. Jacobson states in the lawsuit that recent sunglasses designs are a play off of his patented design.

"I created a set of comically over-sized sunglasses back in the 80's," said Jacobson. Look around today at all the women wearing that ridiculous design. It was obviously stolen from me!"

Jacobson says he is suing for $100 million dollars for patent infringement.

"I think Jacobson has a case here," said Humor News Network legal correspondent Heath Miller. "Jacobson's ridiculous over-sized design looks very close to the current trend in eye-wear. It would behoove the designers to save money and settle out of court. The designers would be able to recoup those losses almost immediately since the only thing more ridiculous than the sunglasses design, are their prices."

Phone calls to Gucci and Versace were not immediately returned.

Ben Nelson
Correspondent
Humor News Network

Local mans swamp ass replaces Everglads as largest swamp.

Mankato, Minn - Kyle Perkins always knew he had a fat ass, but with Mondays heat index climbing over 110 degrees in the Mankato area, his rump is breaking records and drawing national attention. As of 12pm the heat had caused Perkins' swamp ass to grow just shy of the 1.4 million, the same size as everglades national park.
With temperatures and humidity levels expect to sustain for the rest of the day, Perkins swamp ass will eclipse the size of the everglades and own claim to the largest swamp in the United States.

"The A/C is on the fritz," said Perkins. "I usually use gold bond to keep things under control, but this morning I forgot it at home."

Local Minnesota politicians are already pushing to make Perkins swamp ass part of the National Park system.

"We must protect our wild areas," said one local congressman. "Scientists have already identified three endangered species in Perkins' swamp ass. Who knows what other things we may find."

People always said I had a stick up my ass," said Perkins. "I just never thought gators would be sunning themselves on it."

Perkins swamp ass is also drawing attention from the History Channel, creators of the cable television show "Swamp People". The shows cinematographer Alex Rappoport has already ventured to Minnesota to investigate Perkins for a possible spin-off.

"It is a definite possibility," said Rappoport. "The key is to get filming right away to catch Perkins swamp ass at the peak of the rainy season. We're looking at a closing window though, with the possibility of a gold bond outbreak, his swamp ass could disappear quickly, depriving us of its unique beauty."

Ben Nelson
Correspondent
Humor News Network

If Academics was like Athletics

Mankato, Minn - Minnesota State University, Mankato, a member of the Minnesota State Colleges and Universities system is proud to announce their academic signing class for the 2011-2012 school year. MSU's Director of Admissions announced Friday that High School prospects Jennifer Lawson, Greg Yari, and Cole Williams have signed national letters of intent to attend school at MSU this fall.

"This is an amazing recruiting class for us. All three kids were valedictorians at their school" said MSU's Director of Admissions. "The combined ACT scores for these kids is 102! Did you hear that? 102!"

Lawson, a 5-foot-4-inch, 110-pound biology major comes to MSU from Duluth, Minnesota. Jennifer lead all recruits with a 35 on her ACT to compliment her 4.0 GPA. Jennifer showed her leadership as president and lone participants of her schools science club, and horse club . She was also student body president, voted smartest, most likely to succeed, and having the weirdest laugh by her peers at East Senior High School.

The Associate Director of admissions decided to talk a little smack to the University of Minnesota Duluth after stealing the hometown favorite away. "SUCK IT UMD! Sure, you won National Championships in football and hockey, but who even cares about sports? Nerds Rule! Jocks Drool!"

Yari - a 5-foot-7-inch, 250-pound economics major comes to MSU from Sioux Falls, SD. Posting a solid 34 ACT score to compliment his 4.0 GPA, Yari had also done some pioneering work in supply and demand theory throughout high school.

"I proved that at Roosevelt High School, despite a low number of guys compared to girls, there remained a low demand for me at prom" said Yari of his work. "I found this perplexing. I'm sure ladies at MSU won't be able to get enough of the Yarinator"

Williams a 6-foot-5-inch 175-pound engineering major is a Mankato, MN native. His seller 33 ACT along with his 4.0 GPA made him a great get for MSU, but it was his community service that made this student an All-star.

"I am a mathlete myself and know the importance of training" said Williams. "That's why I volunteer as a spotter at Mankato's Mathnasium. You hate to see young mathletes ruin a promising career by injuring themselves. I saw a kid tear up his quadratic equation once, it was sad, he never competed again. That's why I volunteer."

"Our goal is a National Championship" concluded the Director of Admissions. "We took a big step in making that happen today."

Oh baby its cold out there!

Winter Coat. Check.
Hat. Check.
Gloves. Check.
Facemask. Check.
Mug of hot tea. Check.

It takes a little extra preparation in the morning to get ready to face a cold Minnesota winter day, not to mention a record low -24 degrees.
I walk to work from MSU's free parking lot to my office. Its about a 4 block walk from my car, usually into the wind, to the warm indoor sanctuary of the Taylor Center. Its a usually a uneventful walk, and I'm usually the only one walking in that early in the morning.

This morning though, I witnessed the value of my MSU degree dropping with the mercury. On my walk in I was passed by a student wearing only a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. No hat, no gloves, no jacket, and despite wearing a hooded sweatshirt, no hood.

I get the whole manly bit, I really do. Man vs Mother Nature and all that. But there is a difference between being manly and stupid. The older I get the more I realize things falling into the latter.

Back to this student. If he can't prepare for a walk into school, I have little hope for him to be prepared for the actual class. My biggest fear is his future job interview: "Yes I went to MSU. Does your health plan cover frostbite?"