Mankato, Minn - Kyle Perkins always knew he had a fat ass, but with Mondays heat index climbing over 110 degrees in the Mankato area, his rump is breaking records and drawing national attention. As of 12pm the heat had caused Perkins' swamp ass to grow just shy of the 1.4 million, the same size as everglades national park.
With temperatures and humidity levels expect to sustain for the rest of the day, Perkins swamp ass will eclipse the size of the everglades and own claim to the largest swamp in the United States.
"The A/C is on the fritz," said Perkins. "I usually use gold bond to keep things under control, but this morning I forgot it at home."
Local Minnesota politicians are already pushing to make Perkins swamp ass part of the National Park system.
"We must protect our wild areas," said one local congressman. "Scientists have already identified three endangered species in Perkins' swamp ass. Who knows what other things we may find."
People always said I had a stick up my ass," said Perkins. "I just never thought gators would be sunning themselves on it."
Perkins swamp ass is also drawing attention from the History Channel, creators of the cable television show "Swamp People". The shows cinematographer Alex Rappoport has already ventured to Minnesota to investigate Perkins for a possible spin-off.
"It is a definite possibility," said Rappoport. "The key is to get filming right away to catch Perkins swamp ass at the peak of the rainy season. We're looking at a closing window though, with the possibility of a gold bond outbreak, his swamp ass could disappear quickly, depriving us of its unique beauty."
Ben Nelson
Correspondent
Humor News Network
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