Rochester Honkers Slider Tests Positive for HGH

Rochester, Minn - To the surprise of many Rochester fans the Northwoods League front office is suspending Honkers mascot Slider for the first half of the 2012 season following a positive test for HGH.

"This test result comes as a big shock to us in the Honkers organization", said Honker General Manager Dan Litzinger. "I really can't comment any further until I sit down and talk with Slider personally."

"This is the first time anyone has suspended a mascot to my knowledge", said Northwoods League owner Dick Radatz Jr.  "But we want our fans to know we run a clean league, free from performance enhancing drugs from top to bottom, and that includes our mascots.


One person who was not surprised by the positive test was Nick Riviera, a Mayo Clinic doctor and long time Honker fan.

"I got suspious when I started seeing all the telltale signs of HGH use", said Riviera. "The large head size, the increased acne, which I actually initially thought were frayed stitches in his head until i saw him covering it up with whiteout before a game."

The Mankato MoonDogs Muttnik, a fellow Northwoods League mascot chimmed in on the news.

"This news is pretty RUFF", said Muttnik. "If you told me last week that Slider was using HGH, I would have said you were barking up the wrong tree, but now I don't know. His head has gotten more appealing to chase over the last couple of years. I've got a lot to circle around three times, lay down and think about."

Phone calls to the home of Slider were not returned as of the time of this printing.

WTFoto

With the low interest rates and cheaper home prices Carolyn and I have been toying with the idea of "upgrading" to give us more house for less money. I've been looking at houses online and have been amazed by the photos we've seen as I take a small peak into the lives of the current owner.


I decided to post a few photos from what I've seen. These are all currently for sale in Mankato.

 King of his castle needs an elevated throan to gaze over his kingdom.

 Just thought it was funny there was an office chair in their kitchen. Why the realtor didn't move it for a photo I'll never know. 

 Enough room for a beer pong table.  Notable selling feature.

 News paper spread on the ground reminds me of the movie Big Daddy.  Just wondering who peed.

 As seen on hoarders.

I've always wanted to hold hands with my wife as we both take a deuce.

President Perry would not pardon turkey

Austin, Texas - Texas Governor and presidential hopeful Rick Perry made a statement today that under his administration he would not pardon a Thanksgiving turkey, a tradition among presidents dating back to George H.W. Bush in 1989.

"I'm from Texas" said Perry.  "We don't pardon, we execute. Heck we've executed mentally handicapped people in Texas. Why would I stop at a turkey? I'm not going to play the role of big government and interfere."

Animal rights groups did not react well to Perry's announcement.

"Its barbaric" said PETA spokeswoman Jessica Martin.  "Execute mentally handicapped people if you want but don't hurt innocent turkeys."

Perry's odd statement comes in the wake of dipping poll numbers and abysmal debate performances and may have been an attempt to separate himself from the rest of the GOP pack.

Nation's airports packed with reporters

Los Angels, Calif - On the busiest travel reporting day of the year the United States airports are expected to be jam-packed with reporters, camera men and photographers. The sharp influx in airport reporting can cause frustration and delays.

"At some of the busiest airports like LAX, we expect to see reporters arriving and departing every thirty seconds" said Peter Gibbons, President of Media Traffic Controllers Association. "Bad weather can really mess things up. Delays and cancellations only increase the number of reporters clogging our concourse, sticking around for hours longer than if the weather were clear."

The frustration is also experienced among the travelers.

"I am appalled" said traveler Marquez Hernandez. Things would be running a lot more smoothly if reporters like yourself stayed home and stayed out of the way. I would estimate 40% of the people at the airport are reporters, not travelers."

Not everyone was upset with the arrival of the reporters. Rahish Ahman, the owner of a convenience store at the airport awaits this day every year.

"This is our Black Friday" said Ahman. "The reporters need hair spray, cell phone chargers, and a lot of other over-priced stuff we sell here because they never plan on staying as long as they do."

The reporters themselves also have to make sacrifices.

"Sure I would rather be at home getting drunk and arguing with my family like the rest of America" said CNN correspondent Jason White. "But this is the career choice and the sacrifice I have made even though my parents have always disapproved and make it clear that I am their least favorite child at every family get-together."

Eiffel Tower Damaged during photo op

Paris, France - French officials are scrambling tonight to assess the damage to its beloved Eiffel Tower following a accident during a tourist photo shoot late this afternoon. According to officials a British tourist was holding the tower between her thumb and pointer finger when she sneezed, crushing the monument.

"We started to allow tourists to hold the Eiffel Tower back in the mid 80's to draw more visitors," said Eiffel Tower spokesman Jacques Mannequin. "This is the first major issue we have seen, but may have to stop allowing tourists handle the monument."

An engineering team has been flown in from Nice to assess the damage and there is no timeline as to when repairs might begin.

Irony of posting how much they don't care about Kim Kardashian lost on millions

Minneapolis, Minn- "How is this woman famous? What has she ever done?" ranted Steve Phillips, one of millions who recently commented on a the news article about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce that they linked to on facebook.

"The general public is stupid" said Winston Fillmore chairman of the Institute on Facebook studies. "They don't understand that posting a link about how much they don't care about something is illogical on two levels. First off, by mentioning the story and posting a link to further information, they are becoming the source of the unwarranted fame they are ranting against," Fillmore explained. "Second, they are narcissistic enough to assume that other people give a damn about what they don't give a damn about."

This isn't the first time we've seen a trend like this," said Jennifer Tuppin, the director for Citizens for Responsible Status Updates. "We saw a similar trend when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were given their own reality show. They key is to resist mentioning it, pretend its not there, and it will go away", advised Tuppin. "Basically we all just need to act as if we're Midwestern."

Halloween Preys on childrens fear of excercise

Chicago, Ill. - Blood-curdling screams can be heard emanating from families homes tonight as parents inform their children that they will have to actually walk from door to door to get their candy.

"It's just not fair!" screamed rotund Suzy Johnson. "It hurts when my thighs scrape together!"

We caught up with a child who just started trick-or-treating two blocks from his house.

"Why can't I just post trick or treat on peoples facebook wall and get candy from my parents?" inquired the winded and portly Jake Drey. "My mom should at least drive me from house to house."

A recent survey of elementary aged school children revealed that regular exercise has overtaken the boogie man as the thing they are most afraid of with portion control coming in a strong third place.