Halloween Preys on childrens fear of excercise

Chicago, Ill. - Blood-curdling screams can be heard emanating from families homes tonight as parents inform their children that they will have to actually walk from door to door to get their candy.

"It's just not fair!" screamed rotund Suzy Johnson. "It hurts when my thighs scrape together!"

We caught up with a child who just started trick-or-treating two blocks from his house.

"Why can't I just post trick or treat on peoples facebook wall and get candy from my parents?" inquired the winded and portly Jake Drey. "My mom should at least drive me from house to house."

A recent survey of elementary aged school children revealed that regular exercise has overtaken the boogie man as the thing they are most afraid of with portion control coming in a strong third place.

Poll: Weekends not long enough

Los Angeles, Calif - In a Monday morning poll of Facebook users it was found that there is an overwhelming consensus that the previous weekend was not long enough. The poll showed that 99.3% enjoyed the weekend, but wish it wasn't over. A follow-up analysis also showed that many users returned to work on Monday confused, unaware of what day it was, indicated by many asking if "it was Friday yet."

"The weekend is the same length it has always been" said Preston Arky from the US Naval Time Observatory. "We have done extensive studies and have found whether you're having fun or not, time goes the same speed."

"I'm glad to be back at work" said Chet Petersen, one of the small percentage that thought the weekend was the right length. "I had enough fun and relaxation, time to put my nose to the grind stone." A follow up poll among his co-workers indicates that no one likes Chet.

New social media site aims to eclipse facebook.

Sans Pollo, Calif- Nasim Kadash, an IT project manager at a Silicon Valley software company is aiming to take down the social media giant Facebook by luring away their largest growing demographic, young parents.

"I was surfing facebook a few months ago and saw my news stream filled with baby belly photos from mothers, pictures of infants, toddlers, and sonograms", said Kadash. "I thought to myself, how do I make this go away? That's how I came up with sonogrambook."

Sonogram book is a social media website specifically designed for annoying parents to spam photos of their pregnancies, infants, toddlers and status updates about how smart their kid is for their age.

"The site did have a few problems in its infancy but now its the best site in the whole wide world, yes it is. Who's the best site? Who's the best site? You are! You are!", said Kadash. "Dammit now I'm doing it!"

The early problems Kadash referred to came shortly after the site launch when its first user Julie Gustafson uploaded a Terabyte of photos of her child's first poop.

"We realized then that we need to triple our servers to handle the wave of self-absorbed garbage we were going to experience" said Kadash. "I knew we would be popular, I just didn't imagine how quickly we would expand."

Sonogrambook now as over 300 million users worldwide since launching in August and expects to hit 500 million users by Christmas.

"I am even starting to see a slowdown of postings from parents on facebook", said Kadash. "This is a dream come true."

Gambling scandal uncovered

Las Vegas, Nev - The gambling community is reeling this morning after news came out yesterday revealing a far-reaching scandal involving players tanking games on purpose. The undercover investigation focused on parents tanking on purpose when playing against their children.

"When given the choice between putting my money on a 6'2" 34 year old dad or his 3'1" four-year-old daughter in a game of one-on-one the money should go on the dad", said sport book maker Sal Garpo. "But in 95% of the games we're seeing the little girl win. And the 5% of the time the dad wins is almost always due to the child falling, crying, and wanting to stop playing, losing the game by forfeit."

The President of the National Council on Problem Gaming Peter West explained the scandal reaches beyond just sports betting, involving card and board games as well.

"We have parents with 20/20 vision and good hearing not being able to detect a giggling child moving behind a curtain in a simple game of hide-and-seek", said West. "You know these parents must be on the take."

The Nevada Gaming Commission has placed all parent-child betting on hold until investigators can find the scope of the corruption.

Area man breaks consecutive win record

Mankato, Minn - Bill Coughlan has always dreamed of being a basketball superstar, and on Thursday afternoon his dreams came true as Bill beat his six-year-old son Aiden at one-on-one for the 1,524th consecutive time.

"Some dads let their kid win to help boost their confidence. But me? I'm all about he "W" baby!", explained Coughlan after Thursdays 21-0 victory. "Its like I told my son, this is real life bitch, suck it up. That's why we've been playing on a ten foot rim when the streak started shortly after Aiden turned two."

Coughlan's 1,524 consecutive victories eclipses former one-on-one great Sid Jefferson. As we all know, Jefferson's streak ended per-maturely when child protective services took his son Anthony away after Sid threw an intentional elbow to five-year-old Anthony's head while boxing out for a rebound.

Coughlan, an all-around athlete, is no stranger to greatness. Bill also holds several other father-son records including records in football for rushing yards, touchdowns, and tackles for loss. A hard-throwing southpaw, Bill also holds the record for strikeouts against his son.

"I scored a basket once, but my dad said it was traveling and took the basket way" said first grader Aiden Coughlan in a press conference held after Thursdays loss. "Can I go play with my friends now?"

With at least five more years until Aiden hits puberty, Bill has a great opportunity to extend his streak and make it almost untouchable for future psychologically-damaging fathers.

FBI: Old person smell Identifed

Washington D.C. - The distinct smell of old people has puzzled the general public for years, but today the FBI anti-drug task force announced that they have identified the smell as resin from a highly potent form of marijuana.

"It turns out the smell we have all come to call 'old person smell' is the result of every senior citizen smoking marijuana, and a highly potent form of it as well" , said FBI Deputy Commander Russ Johnson. "We have linked the drug ring to the AARP which has been distributing the marijuana for years, issuing cards to help identify legitimate users and avoid detection."

"It makes a lot of sense now when you look at seniors driving habits, the slow driving, the swerving, the slow reaction times, all of these signs have previously been attributed to ageing, but now can be attributed to the fact that all seniors are constantly baked out of their minds" said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Holder went on to reveal another breakthrough. "We are now investigating another drug link involving the narcotic ecstasy and hard candies that are common place within senior citizen's homes."

According to Ethel Mathison, an informant that wished not to be identified, seniors often use slang to disguise their illicit drug use. According to Mathison, terms like "going to play bridge" or "playing bingo" often indicate the seniors plans to meet up and use the drug.

The widespread use has caught law enforcement off guard and unable to formulate a quick solution to the problem. This is especially true in heavily senior populated states like Florida where it is estimated that 78% of the state’s population is high at any given time.

“We’re probably all going to sit down as a nation with our parents and grandparents and have the drug talk” said Eric Holder.

Vikings listed #1 in recent Top 10 List.

New York - For many years there has been a debate among fans about what is the most difficult thing to do in sports. Last year the USA Today posted their top 10 list of the most difficult things to do in sports, with hitting a baseball topping the list.

In a updated list put out this morning, watching the Minnesota Vikings in the second half usurped hitting a baseball as the most difficult thing to do in sports.

"Their second half meltdowns have been brutal to watch," said USA Today's chief editor Dave Berkowitz. "God help your if you're a Vikings fan".

"Our week three meltdown actually made my physically sick", said all pro wide receiver Percy Harvin who was spotted vomiting on the sidelines during the second half of the Vikings week three loss to the Lions after leading 20-0 at halftime.

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf commented this morning on the USA Today list. "We're doing our best to shy people away from a sellout this week to save our fans the hardship of watching another impotent second half performance" said Wilf. "We're all hoping for a television blackout this week."

Vikings Berrian out 2-3 weeks with Twitter thumb.

Eden Prairie, MN - Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian, better known to everyone as @B_Twice, was listed as inactive for this weekend's game against the Arizona Cardinals according the the Vikings injury report posted this morning. The listing comes as a surprise to many Vikings fans as most thought he had been inactive all season.

Berrian's injury is officially listed as "Twitter thumb", a increasingly common injury among NFL players trying to defend their lack of productivity on the field. Head coach Leslie Frazier in his weekly press conference add that the injury was not directly linked to the foot injury Berrian suffered on Sunday evening where Berrian inserted his entire foot into his mouth tweeting "Sit down and shut up" to John Kriesel, a state representative and a sponsor of the new Vikings stadium bill.

"I was just tweeting about what song I was listening to and where I was going for dinner when I heard a pop", said Berrian in this mornings press conference. "I knew it was bad, but i tried to tweet through it. I talked to Sug and he wrapped it for me but it was still really painful. I went in for a MRI and it revealed I had a strained flexor tendon."

The Vikings are sure to miss Berrian's presence as he accounts for almost 50% of the team's twitter productivity after taking on a larger roll when Bryant McKinnie was cut during training camp.

By Ben Nelson

Ben Nelson is chief correspondent at the Fake News Network.

If History was Business

Berlin, Germany - A new computer company has been quickly taking over the European computer market starting this past summer. Mien Comp, a fast growing electronics company based in Berlin has already gained access in the Italian and Japanese markets. Through a recent blitz of mergers and acquisitions, most notably Poland's largest electronics manufacture in Warsaw and France's Dido systems, Mien Comp has become the largest force in computing power in Europe.

"We saw a lot of resistance at first" said Joe Goebbels, Mien Comp's Director of Public Relations. "People really wanted to stick with their old systems, but once they saw how quick and powerful our product is, people quickly joined our camp."

Despite their success in western Europe, Mien Comp has been having issues penetrating the Eastern European markets.

"Efforts to penetrate Russia's market started off strong but now are stallin' " said Goebbels. "We didn't expect such a cold reception or major technical issues when we launched our second line of computer systems. We've sent out our Engineering Systems Emergency Staff to Russia to deal with the firewall issues. We hope the ESES will quickly resolve the issue."

Mien Comp's president and founder was very excited by the progression of his company.

"My plans have worked out exactly how I dictated them" said the glowing leader. "There were a lot of inferior brands in the race for best computer in Europe. Mien Comp, pure and simply is the best brand out there. "

The founder also spoke of Mien Comp's early marketing blunders, such as hiring O.J. Simpson as their spokesperson in the mid 90's.

"The Juice caused all of our problems. We didn't know the Juice was a back-stabbing, un-trustworthy person that would ruin our company's pure image. I made the executive decision to remove the Juice."

Mien Comps quick invasion of the European markets have caught the eye of American and British companies who are sure to try to stop Mien Comp's march toward world domination in the computer industry.

"We didn't harbor bad feelings against Mien Comp until their Japanese subsidiary under-cut us back in December" said Unified Systems of America President Frank Roosevelt. "We plan on shipping our product to Japan as soon as possible and merging with Brittan's RAF industries to take back our share of the world market."

Mien Comp's CEO did not seem too scared by the threats from the now allied USA and RAF stating, "I've drawn a line, Kammhuber if you dare"

The World Wide Internet Innovation conference in Normandy this June is going to be all-out war as both sides reveal their best and newest product lines.

"On June 4th, they're going down" said Roosevelt. To which Mien Comp's CEO retorted, "Not going to happen, not in a thousand years".