Washington D.C. - The distinct smell of old people has puzzled the general public for years, but today the FBI anti-drug task force announced that they have identified the smell as resin from a highly potent form of marijuana."It turns out the smell we have all come to call 'old person smell' is the result of every senior citizen smoking marijuana, and a highly potent form of it as well" , said FBI Deputy Commander Russ Johnson. "We have linked the drug ring to the AARP which has been distributing the marijuana for years, issuing cards to help identify legitimate users and avoid detection."
"It makes a lot of sense now when you look at seniors driving habits, the slow driving, the swerving, the slow reaction times, all of these signs have previously been attributed to ageing, but now can be attributed to the fact that all seniors are constantly baked out of their minds" said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Holder went on to reveal another breakthrough. "We are now investigating another drug link involving the narcotic ecstasy and hard candies that are common place within senior citizen's homes."
According to Ethel Mathison, an informant that wished not to be identified, seniors often use slang to disguise their illicit drug use. According to Mathison, terms like "going to play bridge" or "playing bingo" often indicate the seniors plans to meet up and use the drug.
The widespread use has caught law enforcement off guard and unable to formulate a quick solution to the problem. This is especially true in heavily senior populated states like Florida where it is estimated that 78% of the state’s population is high at any given time.
“We’re probably all going to sit down as a nation with our parents and grandparents and have the drug talk” said Eric Holder.
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