Its official, you're sweating your ass off.

Belfast, Germany - The Universal Weights and Measurement Counsel in Belfast, Germany has announced that sweating ones ass off has officially become a temperature benchmark. Sweating my ass off, or SMAO, joins th ever popular colder than a witches titty.

Climatologist Jeffery Norbin spoke of the decision in this afternoons press conference.

"After being presented with all of the facts, we decided that sweating my ass off was the most logical decision," said Norbin. "We had also considered sweating my balls off, but we've determined the temperature in ones ass is actually slightly higher, and therefore deserves the benchmark."

Brooklyn native Tony Piscconi traveled all the way to Germany to protested the decision.

"I don't care if its PC or whatever. I'm still sweatin' my bawls off," said Piscconi. "My father sweat his bawls off, and his father before him. I'm not gunna change."

The National Weather Service has not yet released a statement as to how today's announcement will affect their current advisory system.

Ben Nelson

Correspondent

Humor News Network.

Novelty shop sues fashion designers.

Edwin Jacobson of Jacobson's Joke and Novelty filed papers today in Civil Court, suing Gucci, Versace and a list of other fashion sunglasses designers over patent infringement.

Jacobson claims that he created and patented the first pair of over-sized novelty sunglasses in the 1970's for Elton John. Jacobson states in the lawsuit that recent sunglasses designs are a play off of his patented design.

"I created a set of comically over-sized sunglasses back in the 80's," said Jacobson. Look around today at all the women wearing that ridiculous design. It was obviously stolen from me!"

Jacobson says he is suing for $100 million dollars for patent infringement.

"I think Jacobson has a case here," said Humor News Network legal correspondent Heath Miller. "Jacobson's ridiculous over-sized design looks very close to the current trend in eye-wear. It would behoove the designers to save money and settle out of court. The designers would be able to recoup those losses almost immediately since the only thing more ridiculous than the sunglasses design, are their prices."

Phone calls to Gucci and Versace were not immediately returned.

Ben Nelson
Correspondent
Humor News Network

Local mans swamp ass replaces Everglads as largest swamp.

Mankato, Minn - Kyle Perkins always knew he had a fat ass, but with Mondays heat index climbing over 110 degrees in the Mankato area, his rump is breaking records and drawing national attention. As of 12pm the heat had caused Perkins' swamp ass to grow just shy of the 1.4 million, the same size as everglades national park.
With temperatures and humidity levels expect to sustain for the rest of the day, Perkins swamp ass will eclipse the size of the everglades and own claim to the largest swamp in the United States.

"The A/C is on the fritz," said Perkins. "I usually use gold bond to keep things under control, but this morning I forgot it at home."

Local Minnesota politicians are already pushing to make Perkins swamp ass part of the National Park system.

"We must protect our wild areas," said one local congressman. "Scientists have already identified three endangered species in Perkins' swamp ass. Who knows what other things we may find."

People always said I had a stick up my ass," said Perkins. "I just never thought gators would be sunning themselves on it."

Perkins swamp ass is also drawing attention from the History Channel, creators of the cable television show "Swamp People". The shows cinematographer Alex Rappoport has already ventured to Minnesota to investigate Perkins for a possible spin-off.

"It is a definite possibility," said Rappoport. "The key is to get filming right away to catch Perkins swamp ass at the peak of the rainy season. We're looking at a closing window though, with the possibility of a gold bond outbreak, his swamp ass could disappear quickly, depriving us of its unique beauty."

Ben Nelson
Correspondent
Humor News Network