Eiffel Tower Damaged during photo op

Paris, France - French officials are scrambling tonight to assess the damage to its beloved Eiffel Tower following a accident during a tourist photo shoot late this afternoon. According to officials a British tourist was holding the tower between her thumb and pointer finger when she sneezed, crushing the monument.

"We started to allow tourists to hold the Eiffel Tower back in the mid 80's to draw more visitors," said Eiffel Tower spokesman Jacques Mannequin. "This is the first major issue we have seen, but may have to stop allowing tourists handle the monument."

An engineering team has been flown in from Nice to assess the damage and there is no timeline as to when repairs might begin.

Irony of posting how much they don't care about Kim Kardashian lost on millions

Minneapolis, Minn- "How is this woman famous? What has she ever done?" ranted Steve Phillips, one of millions who recently commented on a the news article about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce that they linked to on facebook.

"The general public is stupid" said Winston Fillmore chairman of the Institute on Facebook studies. "They don't understand that posting a link about how much they don't care about something is illogical on two levels. First off, by mentioning the story and posting a link to further information, they are becoming the source of the unwarranted fame they are ranting against," Fillmore explained. "Second, they are narcissistic enough to assume that other people give a damn about what they don't give a damn about."

This isn't the first time we've seen a trend like this," said Jennifer Tuppin, the director for Citizens for Responsible Status Updates. "We saw a similar trend when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were given their own reality show. They key is to resist mentioning it, pretend its not there, and it will go away", advised Tuppin. "Basically we all just need to act as if we're Midwestern."

Halloween Preys on childrens fear of excercise

Chicago, Ill. - Blood-curdling screams can be heard emanating from families homes tonight as parents inform their children that they will have to actually walk from door to door to get their candy.

"It's just not fair!" screamed rotund Suzy Johnson. "It hurts when my thighs scrape together!"

We caught up with a child who just started trick-or-treating two blocks from his house.

"Why can't I just post trick or treat on peoples facebook wall and get candy from my parents?" inquired the winded and portly Jake Drey. "My mom should at least drive me from house to house."

A recent survey of elementary aged school children revealed that regular exercise has overtaken the boogie man as the thing they are most afraid of with portion control coming in a strong third place.

Poll: Weekends not long enough

Los Angeles, Calif - In a Monday morning poll of Facebook users it was found that there is an overwhelming consensus that the previous weekend was not long enough. The poll showed that 99.3% enjoyed the weekend, but wish it wasn't over. A follow-up analysis also showed that many users returned to work on Monday confused, unaware of what day it was, indicated by many asking if "it was Friday yet."

"The weekend is the same length it has always been" said Preston Arky from the US Naval Time Observatory. "We have done extensive studies and have found whether you're having fun or not, time goes the same speed."

"I'm glad to be back at work" said Chet Petersen, one of the small percentage that thought the weekend was the right length. "I had enough fun and relaxation, time to put my nose to the grind stone." A follow up poll among his co-workers indicates that no one likes Chet.

New social media site aims to eclipse facebook.

Sans Pollo, Calif- Nasim Kadash, an IT project manager at a Silicon Valley software company is aiming to take down the social media giant Facebook by luring away their largest growing demographic, young parents.

"I was surfing facebook a few months ago and saw my news stream filled with baby belly photos from mothers, pictures of infants, toddlers, and sonograms", said Kadash. "I thought to myself, how do I make this go away? That's how I came up with sonogrambook."

Sonogram book is a social media website specifically designed for annoying parents to spam photos of their pregnancies, infants, toddlers and status updates about how smart their kid is for their age.

"The site did have a few problems in its infancy but now its the best site in the whole wide world, yes it is. Who's the best site? Who's the best site? You are! You are!", said Kadash. "Dammit now I'm doing it!"

The early problems Kadash referred to came shortly after the site launch when its first user Julie Gustafson uploaded a Terabyte of photos of her child's first poop.

"We realized then that we need to triple our servers to handle the wave of self-absorbed garbage we were going to experience" said Kadash. "I knew we would be popular, I just didn't imagine how quickly we would expand."

Sonogrambook now as over 300 million users worldwide since launching in August and expects to hit 500 million users by Christmas.

"I am even starting to see a slowdown of postings from parents on facebook", said Kadash. "This is a dream come true."

Gambling scandal uncovered

Las Vegas, Nev - The gambling community is reeling this morning after news came out yesterday revealing a far-reaching scandal involving players tanking games on purpose. The undercover investigation focused on parents tanking on purpose when playing against their children.

"When given the choice between putting my money on a 6'2" 34 year old dad or his 3'1" four-year-old daughter in a game of one-on-one the money should go on the dad", said sport book maker Sal Garpo. "But in 95% of the games we're seeing the little girl win. And the 5% of the time the dad wins is almost always due to the child falling, crying, and wanting to stop playing, losing the game by forfeit."

The President of the National Council on Problem Gaming Peter West explained the scandal reaches beyond just sports betting, involving card and board games as well.

"We have parents with 20/20 vision and good hearing not being able to detect a giggling child moving behind a curtain in a simple game of hide-and-seek", said West. "You know these parents must be on the take."

The Nevada Gaming Commission has placed all parent-child betting on hold until investigators can find the scope of the corruption.

Area man breaks consecutive win record

Mankato, Minn - Bill Coughlan has always dreamed of being a basketball superstar, and on Thursday afternoon his dreams came true as Bill beat his six-year-old son Aiden at one-on-one for the 1,524th consecutive time.

"Some dads let their kid win to help boost their confidence. But me? I'm all about he "W" baby!", explained Coughlan after Thursdays 21-0 victory. "Its like I told my son, this is real life bitch, suck it up. That's why we've been playing on a ten foot rim when the streak started shortly after Aiden turned two."

Coughlan's 1,524 consecutive victories eclipses former one-on-one great Sid Jefferson. As we all know, Jefferson's streak ended per-maturely when child protective services took his son Anthony away after Sid threw an intentional elbow to five-year-old Anthony's head while boxing out for a rebound.

Coughlan, an all-around athlete, is no stranger to greatness. Bill also holds several other father-son records including records in football for rushing yards, touchdowns, and tackles for loss. A hard-throwing southpaw, Bill also holds the record for strikeouts against his son.

"I scored a basket once, but my dad said it was traveling and took the basket way" said first grader Aiden Coughlan in a press conference held after Thursdays loss. "Can I go play with my friends now?"

With at least five more years until Aiden hits puberty, Bill has a great opportunity to extend his streak and make it almost untouchable for future psychologically-damaging fathers.